Talk:A Question of Loyalty

From BattleTechWiki

• That was very good, JtT. And the ending did suck, but only because it was the unbexpected ending. No happy ending. Cooper, who remained pretty much nondescript, revealed a bit about his character by taking responsibility for his cohorts' actions. And the rape of the sister I had expected to have been done by Harroway. Maybe he did, but maybe he didn't. Either way, it wasn't something that needed to be explored, as it served its purpose to help explain one man's reason for insurgency. You did a good job of making neither side the 'bad guys,' but making the reader have a hard time to choose who to root for (though Harroway obviously never was a choice). My recco would be to break up the story into more paragraphs to ease the diffiiculty in keeping one's place while reading; generally, the rule is only one person is quoted per paragraph. Also, some possessives need apostrophes. Other than that, the story read very well and had good pacing. --Revanche (admin) 22:06, 13 November 2006 (CST)

Thanks for the critique and the feedback. I've never been good with possessives and apostrophes. I'm glad you felt what you did about the sotry in general, it means I portaryed all the elements how I wanted to (the Star League forces not necessarily being the "good guys", etc). I've also worked out the line spacing issues I was grappling with, I think. Basically I've put two carriage returns between each paragraph and dialogue. That seems to space it nicely. --Jimmy the Tulip

OOOOOHHHHHHHH, line breaks! LOL!--Jimmy the Tulip

Hehe! --Revanche (admin) 22:26, 13 November 2006 (CST)

• Jimbo, this is a fine work (aside from formatting issue). I love dark stories, so this one sits very well in my fan list. Good job, I hope to see more of your characters --RogueBaron

Maybe a collaboration piece: Star Leaguers vs. Kuritans during the infamous Gunslinger days? --Revanche (admin) 14:01, 15 November 2006 (CST)

Thanks, Rogue. I appreciate the comments. I'm working on another peice now (again a historical setting) which I hope will come out as good. I'd be happy to take Revanches suggestion on board and work on a collaboration peice at some stage, if you're interested. --Jimmy the Tulip 15:18, 15 November 2006 (CST)

I'll be honored to work with you (or anybody else). Any ideas on a good scenario? RogueBaron

I don't really have much of a preference. I personally like to work in eras or with factions that there is not too much canon stuff about. 1. It means that people aren't already flooded with info which would hopefully make the stories more interesting, 2. Though some research is required it's easier to get away with stuff for which there is little to no canon info. ;)

RogueBaron, don't let JtT throw any marsupials or egg-laying mammals into the story; I understand he's partial to those Down There. --Revanche (admin) 20:07, 15 November 2006 (CST)

LOL! In NZ it's more the wooly friends that we prefer. Now that they can successfully clone them our long, cold, lonely winter nights are over! :) --Jimmy the Tulip 21:45, 15 November 2006 (CST)

Okay: for the record, I did not start with the sheep jokes this time! --Revanche (admin) 23:06, 15 November 2006 (CST)